Quarter Life Musings

Finally I’ve uploaded the rest of the HK pics! I feel much better now, actually Bianca has knocked some sense into me. She told me something that I’ve heard many times before from different people but it’s something I always let myself forget Bottomline is, I have to learn to love myself before others could learn to love me. Aaack ang baduy! Hahaha.

It feels good to realize that The Man Up There hasn’t really given up on me kahit na gaano ako kakulit When I’m really down, He makes me bump into old friends and makes me meet new ones and through them He lets me feel that things will eventually get better. He makes me realize that things aren’t all that bad and I have a lot more things to be thankful for than things to be depressed about As Meredith Grey once said, "No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. Except there’s an upside to freefalling. It’s the chance you give your friends to catch you."

Maybe it’s a prerogative that we go through depression so that we’ll realize how much have been given to us, and how much are we taken care of by people who care and love us. Maybe in the recent months I had been too preoccupied with my shallow, self-centered issues that I needed to be jolted back into the reality that the world does not revolve around me. Aren’t we all humbled during these moments?

Let me share what Meredith Grey said last during their Thanksgiving episode, that may as well have been directed to me: "Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

But really, John Mayer’s Heavier Things album has helped me a lot during these melancholic phases.  Music is the cure! With a much lighter mood I’ll now be singing

NEW DEEP

I’m so alive, I’m so enlightened
I can barely survive a night in my mind
I’ve got a plan
I’m gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time

Cause ever since I tried trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It’s been fine, I’ve been cool
With my new golden rule

Numb is the new deep, done with the old me
And talk is the same cheap it’s been

Is there a God? Why is he waiting?
Don’t you think of it odd
When he knows my address?
And look at the stars
Don’t it remind you just how feeble we are?
Well it used to, I guess

I’m a new man
I wear a new cologne and
You wouldn’t know me if your eyes were closed
I know what you’ll say
‘This won’t last longer than the rest of the day’
But you’re wrong this time

Numb is the new deep, done with the old me
I’m over the analyzing tonight

Stop trying to figure it  out
Deep will only bring you down
You know, I used to be the back porch poet with a book of rhymes
Always open knowing all the time I’m probably
Never gonna find the perfect rhyme
For heavier things…

Break muna from my so-called melancholic state. I’ll talk about my first Disneyland experience muna. It was Black Saturday and the other pinoy tourists were taking soooo long to get out of their hotel! I think I dozed off for half an hour when the bus was parked outside Sheraton. Kaya ayun, we got there 10:30am na. Twas a pretty long drive, pero naaliw ako seeing Mickey’s head on the green highway signs. Oops I forgot the name of this long bridge resembling Golden Gate. Astig lang hehehe.

Armed with my new DVD Sony Handycam (naks yabang! haha) 3 DVD-RWs, a fully charged battery and our trusty yet obsolete Canon digicam and 2 sets of spare batteries, we got off the bus. PUTEK ANG LAMEEEEEG!!! Parang 16 or 17 degrees lang. I’m not a fan of cold weather kasi. Ang layo pa ng gate! Nakakatawa, there was this guy feeling astig sa bus, only wearing a thin white shirt. HA! Pagbaba nya hindi ko mapinta ang mukha hahaha.

Rode the train going around the park. Passed by the jungle and I thought the butterflies on the branches were real! Natawa ako sa teapot with the sleepy mouse bobbing up and down pati the three-eyed green aliens in Tomorrowland and one was even taking a picture!

The Opera House featured an exhibit on Disney and Disneyland parks around the globe. Goofy was just around the corner as we got out and we took a picture with him. Browsed through the shops while waiting for the parade to start. Mahal ng merchandise ha. Anyway, astig ang parade! I recorded the whole thing and really enjoyed seeing the green plastic soldiers marching hehehe. The pinoy cast members were nangangamusta pa nga.

Good thing we caught the 2pm show of the Festival of the Lion King. I again recorded the whole show because Simba, Timon and Pumbaa were soooo cute! Galing! But it was too long. Took some time before we got to Tarzan’s treehouse. We also got on the Jungle River Cruise. I think I fell in love with the mechanical baby elephants hehehe.

But the 3D show takes the cake. Sigh. I suddenly wanted to stay and work in Disneyland. Really, I totally forgot I was a 26-year old with no savings, an inferiority problem, a budding scoliosis, and a non-existent lovelife hahahaha. Teka lang, parang I just described Quasimodo! Hahahahahaha labo! Speaking of that, I remembered the Golden Mickeys show. Can I just say I wanted to be Jane?! Tarzan was a hunk!!! *Sigh* Despite the unruly hair, the six-pack was the show stealer hahaha. Too bad I didn’t take pictures, I was saving it for the fireworks display later on. I think he was also the Beast.

We had done some last-minute shopping before settling in the middle of Main Street to record the fireworks show. Our batteries were starting to conk out but we managed to record the whole thing. I loved every minute we spent there. I suddenly wanted to be a cast member. If only I had a voice as powerful as theirs, I would have auditioned.

Hmmm… that somehow lightened my mood… Will try to post more pictures here.

I can’t be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test for loneliness, for loneliness like this.
- John Mayer, "Something’s Missing"

It’s one of those days when I can’t pinpoint what’s wrong with me. Well, maybe I do know what’s bugging me but I don’t have the guts to admit even to myself. It’s sad that the magic of Disneyland from last week has gone pffft… just like the caf’s plans for an overnight at the beach. Sigh. I haven’t been like this for the longest time, why is it bugging me now?! Geez. Well, maybe it’s just fatigue. I hope it’s just that.

It’s not my day nga lang siguro. I hope it picks up by tomorrow. Good thing summer school will start to get my mind off certain things which I don’t know where it leads. Haaay.

Something’s missing, and I don’t know how to fix it…

That’s the title of the third episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and that’s where I first heard this really good song. It sounds really good… and yeah… I do relate to it.. in some ways.. not completely though… yeah but I do… am I going around in circles again? Maybe my brain has too much to process. Maybe too saturated with medical dramas? Maybe I ought to get a lumbar puncture to get an accurate diagnosis haha…

FOOLS LIKE ME
Lisa Loeb

Everybody go
The party’s over
I want to be alone in my head
In my bed tonight
You never show

You must really love her
You think I don’t know
But I do, yeah it’s true
I think over is over

I’m right back where I started
(when it comes to wanting you)
I can’t have what I wanted

[Chorus]
But I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind
If love’s a drug
It always is
It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me

I know where I’m going
I’m tripping I’m sliding around
That’s ok
At least I’m excited
It wasn’t how I planned it
(wasn’t how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now)
My feet are where I landed
(feet are staying on the ground)
[Chorus]

Fools like me
Fools like me

I did, I can
I was, I am
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed

Maybe it’s the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools
(Love was surely made for fools)
Love was surely made for fools like me

Grrr… I can’t get the font color to work!!!

  I’m sure you’ve already seen the Mazda commercial and heard the kind of music they played in the background. And what about the Modess (or was it Kotex?) commercial with a ponytailed girl doing those cool acrobatic moves in a roda (the circle of people in which the game is played)? That and so much more comprises the hottest thing that has gotten me hooked nowadays… CAPOEIRA.

Capoeira, as defined by Wikipedia, is an Afro-Brazilian martial art developed initially by African slaves in Brazil, starting in the colonial period. It is marked by deft, tricky movements often played on the ground or completely inverted. It also has a strong acrobatic component in some versions and is always played with music.

Did it initially sound like some exotic summer place, a cool drink or even a boutique?

I would have to thank my very good buddy Fara for "dragging" me into this astig sport or whatever you call it. For the first time in my 26 years I was made to do the cartwheel, with the intense pressure that everyone else in the Dojo Gym was doing it. If you know me well, then you should know that I’m not the type not to engage in such acrobatic feats or even 20 real and walang daya pushups. But what do you know, it has spawned a really intense desire to learn not only that, but also handstands and backflips and kicks I’ve only seen in movies and games.

As of this moment, however, as much as the spirit is willing to practice, the body is pitifully unable. It has brought me shooting pain all over, from the neck down, that having a Scrubs and Grey’s Anatomy (yup, for the second time) marathon could very well be torture for my stomach muscles. No exaggeration here. You should have seen me and Fara wincing in pain and laughing at ourselves for having to help each other pull ourselves up just to shift our positions in bed and push the buttons to go to the next episode.

I was far from being confident to join in the game as we formed the roda, primarily because I was tired and the blisters on my toes were killing me. I was looking at the girls and how astig they looked with those moves that I wished I could really learn them… fast. It’s frustrating that I can’t even do the most basic component of all, the cartwheel. But then again, I have the whole of Holy Week to practice, attempt the salute and get used to the pushups, and hopefully by the next class, I’d be as confident as most of the first-timers

What made the experience more enjoyable was how nice the people there were, especially the experienced ones. They were pretty patient and understanding with me. Makes you want to sign up for the whole workshop Well, I don’t expect to become really good at this afterwards, but it’s nice that I got to try something exciting and uncommon. And again, it happens on a Thursday. Here’s to a very interesting summer ahead!

Dr. Meredith Grey, the new Ally McBeal of the O.R. This is the show that occupies all my idle time for the past week! I like how Ellen Pompeo’s eyes become slits when she smiles. Like Princess Lulu. Hahaha. Uh oh. I just sounded like a certified couch potato. I have yet to borrow season 2. Can’t wait!

Let’s see if you don’t get hooked when you hear these:
Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Meredith Grey: I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of
guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you
could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take
it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for
rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something
you have to define for yourself.

Derek Shepherd: It’s not the chase.

Meredith Grey: What?

Derek Shepherd: You and me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It’s not
a game. It’s? It’s your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair.

Meredith Grey: My hair?

Derek Shepherd: It smells good. And you’re very, very ballsy. It keeps
me in line.

Meredith Grey: I’m still not going out with you.

Derek Shepherd: You say that now.

Preston Burke: So, I have a question to ask. I checked the schedule and
I noticed that both you and I are off tonight. I made reservations. I
have a favorite restaurant.

Cristina Yang: None of those were questions.

Miranda Bailey: I may be forty-seven weeks pregnant. I may be on bed rest. I may
not be able to see my own feet. But I AM Dr. Bailey. I hear every thing.
I know every thing. I’m watching each and every one of you. And I will
return.

Alex Karev: For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something.
You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that
when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and
so deep you never want to come up for air. You can’t cheat your first
kiss. Trust me, you don’t want to. Cause when you find that right person
for a first kiss, it’s everything.

And sarcasm is the new slapstick! Let’s just hope cynicism is not eating its way into my system.